Last weekend of the 16th & 17th September I decided to take a break; just like KitKat always tell you to. My dad lives on the coastal side of Kent, in a small town called Broadstairs.
For all you outside-UK folk, it’s around 2 hours East of London. But for a relatively short journey it seemed like a lifetime away.
Even though I have produced blog posts on relieving your own pressure, not chasing an idea of perfection and accepting yourself for who you are; in reality I still have my own demons where I question myself for days on end and hit lulls of frustration, insecurity and struggle.
There are only so many times you can tell yourself to ‘snap out of it’. There are only so many times you can tell your friends and family you are going through the same thing you did 2 months ago. There are only so many times you sweep it all under the rug and put on a brave face. 2 weeks ago I was on the fence about making a huge decision that will change my life completely for at least the next couple of years – and I decided I needed a clear head to do so.
As soon as I hit the road Friday morning and hit play on my just-downloaded ‘Driving Songs’ album from iTunes, I felt a sense of excitement beginning to form in the pit of my stomach. As I hit the Dartford Bridge (a bridge which quite literally feels like a magical portal of enlightenment) it transported me from the grey, concrete and chaotic view of London straight into what felt like a new world. I smiled to myself and sung my little, lonely heart out.
It is So God Damn Easy to get lost in this beautiful built-up world we live in. Whether you are in the corporate, creative or even cat industry, I am 99.9% sure that we have all had at least one moment where we say; STOP THE WORLD I WANT TO GET OFF.
My life is absolute chaos. On a Sunday evening my upcoming week could be empty, then 48 hours later I would be heading to my 4th job or 6th appointment with a rapidly filling diary for the rest.
I hardly get a moment to myself, let alone time to reflect on any big life decisions. On a Sunday, someone will ask me what I’ve been up to that week and I will have literally forgotten – as if it all had been erased from my brain like I was starring in the newest Men in Black movie.
And this is exactly why I needed to get away. I couldn’t possibly go through any form of important decision-making while trying to wade through a cluttered, foggy and slightly negative lifestyle.
*Back to Car*
The further I was driving, the flatter the horizon became. It wasn’t until I was halfway through belting a chorus of Mustang Sally did I see that glorious blue in the distance..
Now, Uk beaches aren’t exactly your perfect postcard pictures you see on the latest travel blogs, nor are they featured on Instagram for #TravelGoals – BUT there is a certain character to an English beach you just cannot find anywhere else.
I squealed in delight like the typical Pisces I am – if you believe in all that sort of thing.
Obviously we can’t all drop all our s**t and just run off to an English seaside whenever we’re feeling a bit caught up in the web of adult life – but I’d left my self-help pushed to the side for so long I desperately NEEDED this.
An easy peasy lemon squeezy trick I like to use when the world gets too much is silence. Pure and utter silence.
That kind of silence that actually makes you feel a bit weird after a few seconds, because us city-folk aren’t used to it. Because most of the time, even in the coldest, darkest, deepest part of the night – there’s always SOMETHING. A lonesome car driving in the distance, the dull buzz of the street lamp or a group of high-pitched drunken lasses making their way home after their girls night out.
Over the years I’ve almost taught myself how to block out them distracting noises.
The ticking clock, the running laptop, the nagging boyfriend…lol
If you have an overly complicated or continuously running brain like I do – silence can help simplify everything. It’s as if my thoughts are bundled into a disgusting hairball and the silence just conditions and combs them all into a silky smooth finish.
I thought I knew silence. I really thought I did. That was until I was sailing down a river boat in Kent and listening to absolutely NOTHING
*Cut to Saturday*
A lovely local man named Paul took myself, my Dad and his girlfriend out on a private river tour upstream, spotting Kingfishers and wading through the weeds. 15 minutes in, he halted the engine of the boat and egged us to listen…
So I listened…
I heard nothing
Nobody said a word
Heck, I didn’t even get my phone out to capture the moment
I couldn’t. I wouldn’t disturb it
I didn’t move a muscle
My ears felt like they had closed up, my eyes fixated on the water ahead.
I couldn’t comprehend how a simple moment of silence could mute all the noise in your mind
Suddenly, the engine was on again and along we sailed. Don’t get me wrong, the peace of the surroundings was still very pleasant, but nothing will compare to what I’d just experienced.
It was at that moment that I realised that I was just myself. I had no ties to anyone or anything. My trapped and tied spirit had finally awakened after days and months of being tortured, beaten and hidden away in a dungeon. I could either sit around and continue on a straight track of one level, never gaining speed or gradient – just like this river!
Or I could take the unstable ledge just above my eye-line and hoist myself up into a new beginning and new chapter of my life.
After ploughing through this industry of ‘The Arts’ for 5 long professional years I knew it was time. Time for a change. Other wise I KNEW I would give it all up.
I could see it coming and it was a vision I only wanted to keep in my nightmares.
This industry can chew you up and spit you back out at any given moment. It can shame you and humiliate you in sneaky and sly ways you never thought possible. It can also treat you with the ultimate highs as if you were dancing with the hippies at Glastonbury. Whatever I was feeling was not going to be resolved here. But that mini seaside trip did give me a huge shove to the other side of the fence.
48 hours later, I booked a one-way ticket to Auckland, New Zealand for the 31st January 2018. A plan to see my family there first, then head over to settle in Sydney, Australia until further notice.
I decided to write this blog post because I’m not so good at announcing things face to face. I consider myself a mediocre writer, and that’s way easier for me.
It also gives me a bit of a sneaky insight as to who reads my posts.
The intention here isn’t for you to read this post and think that I’ve given up on life and moved to the other side of the world to escape!
Because I will still do what I love. I will go to acting workshops and dance classes for my own routine and love for performing.
But it will be for me – and nobody else.
That is the beauty of it – that is what I have slowly lost over the last 5 years.
I will also continue with this blog. Something that has been my saving grace this year and also an aid for others – and that I will keep with me forever <3
If you’re ever feeling ‘on the fence’ about something, if you’re following your wildest dreams or seem to find yourself on an impossible road…
Release the pressure a little, clear your mind, and just RELAX
Stop rushing and competing with the rest of the world. When the person next to you takes two steps, just take one.
If an aggressive commuter barges past you to get on the tube just as the doors are closing – let them go. The fact they are now 2 minutes ahead of you doesn’t mean SHITE.
Life definitely IS too short, but with all the chaotic movement of the 21st Century trying to build a life for ourselves;
we forget to LIVE